Reasons The Kid Needs Therapy

Therapy is a must-have in life. Hell, we really kind of owe it to the child after all that we put her through. Day after day we find new and embarrassing ways to harass her. Sometimes we even solicit the help of others. What kind of parents would we be if we didn't torture her the way we are tortured when she mentions the boyfriend or dating or begins asking questions about sex? All is fair in love and parenthood, right?

So we have this ongoing joke. Given the drugs I ingest on a daily basis and the amount of liquor I have consumed in the years since it began, I cannot remember what initiated the joke. I do know that it immediately annoyed her. That simple fact made it mandatory that it continue. The joke is that she is a lesbian. Grumpy is constantly telling her that she's a lesbian and that we accept her and love her as is. Sometimes she laughs. Sometimes she gets annoyed. Sometimes she turns it around and creates a scene that would embarrass even the most liberal parent.

So one day we took Drama Queen and her friend out to eat. Because we are all fancy and stuff we opted for Burger King. So we are sitting there and Drama Queen is talking incessantly about things and Grumpy is repeating that it's okay to be a lesbian and we love her anyway. So then she mentions that she has a cold sore and it hurts. Grumpy is not as funny as I am, but sometimes he can go without skipping a beat. So as soon as the words left her mouth his opened to tell her that it was just herpes. Apparently this was the final straw for her because she opened her mouth and said the following. She didn't just say it. She yelled it. So loud, in fact, that I am sure they heard her outside of the building.

"I AM NOT A LESBIAN AND I DO NOT HAVE HERPES"

A good parent would have been embarrassed. Her friend scrunched down in her seat to hide. All eyes in the place turned to us. Mouths dropped. People were amazed. They seemed even more petrified and ready to call children's protective services when they saw that Grumpy and I were not embarrassed. We were not worried. We were not upset. We did not feel guilty. Instead we were enjoying hysterical laughter at the expense of our child.

Now you know why we don't dine at more important establishments. 

So yes, we owe her therapy.

That said, this story lives in infamy in our lives. We tell everyone. Seriously. Her first boyfriend will probably not be invited home to meet us any time in the near future for that very reason. So it only made sense when we got involved in a small group through church that we share this funny story. Don't worry, we waited until we saw that they liked joking as much as we did. It made for a very entertaining night. Poor Drama Queen.

It only made sense that we forewarn the group that when we attend the bonfire today she will be with us and eagerly anticipating the fun. It also made sense to tell them that when she walks in they simply need to look at her and say "We accept you" as a greeting.

The good news is, with years of therapy already under her belt she has a fighting chance at being normal as an adult. The bad news is that she has many more years ahead of her to achieve that goal.