Attention Walmart Shoppers:

May I have a moment of your time. Thank you.

I understand that Walmart sucks. Believe me, I have been going less and less because of it. Still, some things are just cheaper. So we all have to go. That means we all should get along as well. In order for me to get along with you, I need you to do a few simple things.

1. Can you please remove the clown nose and put down the ukelele. I really like that you like to be different. Trust me, you are different. However, I cannot possibly take you seriously or prevent my teen daughter from erupting into laughter as you walk by. Do us all a favor and just try to shop like a normal person.

2. I appreciate your need to arrive at that item 2 seconds before I do. I realize that it will give you 2 extra seconds to stand in line since there are no registers open. However, do you think that you could go around me as I walk and not attempt to go through me. My heels and my rectum would appreciate not making acquaintance with your cart.

3. When you get to said item, can you please not spread out in front of it so that I cannot reach the one thing I need most and came to Walmart to purchase? I already know what I want. Can I just get it? 

4. You have very cute kids. I love their smile. I love the way they are dressed. It would be a shame if they fell out of the cart that they are standing in while you walk three aisles over and grab yourself a soda. Especially since you placed a very large toy that takes up half of your cart in the back so that all three of them now have to stand.

5. Speaking of your children. Since they are standing, it makes sense for them to reach. When they do that, please do not scream at them and smack them in the hand. All three of them are under three and if you did not want them, I can point you in the direction of the pharmacy.

6. Walmart sucks. I realize that. They never have more than a few registers open at any time. That does not mean that I want you to bring your 1200 items and use the self-checkout. They are intended for those like me that ran in and purchased fewer than 12 items. While I wait on you to ring up the other 1150 of yours, I am forced to watch the kids try and climb out of the cart. If I turn my head I am face to face with clown nose ukelele man. In the meantime the friendly gentleman behind me has decided that I need a butt massage. With his cart.

7. If you ignore the above, then please pay attention to this. If you have no idea how to run your debit card, enter your pin number or work a register then please for the love of all that is holy go to a regular register with a cashier. This is painfully slow.

8. You are an employee. When someone needs your assistance at said self checkout, can you get to them quickly. When you finally do ring their order up and get it fixed, must you get in line behind them, and in front of those of us that have been waiting with ukelele man for 30 minutes. I see that you want a candy bar. Do like the rest of us and wait for the old lady with 1200 groceries to decide what the hell her pin number is.

Another great adventure inside what is the 'good' Walmart in my town. We won't even go into the bad one and what happens there.