Don't Walk Beside Me and Make Me Look Like a Bad Parent...

Today I slept in. It happens. A lot. I like to say because I work late. That might be half the reason. The other half is likely that concept of avoiding work to begin with. Either way it leaves Grumpy in charge of seeing the child off to school. She lives too close to ride the bus so he has to take her. This gives him ample opportunity to look her over. At this point he can see if her ass is hanging out of her pants. Her D cups are hanging out of her shirt. Or the other little things that could cause a normal and attentive parent to pause. For instance, the fact that their teen daughter looked like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before Richard Gere bought her a bunch of clothes.

So we go to pick her up at school and she walks out of the building. My mouth drops. The only words I can manage to release from my lips are What is the hell is she wearing? Of course if I were Simon Cowell it would have sounded better and included Bloody Hell, but you get the point. The following conversation ensued as she made her way to the car....

Me: What in the HELL is she wearing?
Him:  I dunno. Clothes?
Me: Does she have on a skirt?
Him: I don't think so. Just pants.
Me: Those are NOT pants
Him: What are they?
Me: They are leggings
Him: Hm, I thought they were pants
Me: When have you EVER seen me buy her spandex pants?
Him:  Well why does she have them?
Me: To wear under her little dress
Him: What is she wearing?
Me: A tank top with a crop top over it
Him: Hm, I didn't notice.
Me: Obviously. You get pissed because she has a boyfriend yet let her leave for middle school looking like she's working the corner.
Him: Well maybe you should pick out her clothes
Me: Maybe you should pay attention to what she's wearing?
Him: I thought it was the style
Me: To look like a prostitute?
Him: Well she's out of school. No big deal.
Me: Except we are going to Walmart. One camera and she will be online tomorrow.

Drama Queen proceeds to get into the car. I proceed to tell her how leggings are meant for under dresses. She tells me what about shirts. I point out that they mean long shirts. Like really long shirts. She shrugs and blows it off. I tell her she can't walk beside me in Walmart. I have no intention of those classy people judging my parenting.

Attention Walmart Shoppers:

May I have a moment of your time. Thank you.

I understand that Walmart sucks. Believe me, I have been going less and less because of it. Still, some things are just cheaper. So we all have to go. That means we all should get along as well. In order for me to get along with you, I need you to do a few simple things.

1. Can you please remove the clown nose and put down the ukelele. I really like that you like to be different. Trust me, you are different. However, I cannot possibly take you seriously or prevent my teen daughter from erupting into laughter as you walk by. Do us all a favor and just try to shop like a normal person.

2. I appreciate your need to arrive at that item 2 seconds before I do. I realize that it will give you 2 extra seconds to stand in line since there are no registers open. However, do you think that you could go around me as I walk and not attempt to go through me. My heels and my rectum would appreciate not making acquaintance with your cart.

3. When you get to said item, can you please not spread out in front of it so that I cannot reach the one thing I need most and came to Walmart to purchase? I already know what I want. Can I just get it? 

4. You have very cute kids. I love their smile. I love the way they are dressed. It would be a shame if they fell out of the cart that they are standing in while you walk three aisles over and grab yourself a soda. Especially since you placed a very large toy that takes up half of your cart in the back so that all three of them now have to stand.

5. Speaking of your children. Since they are standing, it makes sense for them to reach. When they do that, please do not scream at them and smack them in the hand. All three of them are under three and if you did not want them, I can point you in the direction of the pharmacy.

6. Walmart sucks. I realize that. They never have more than a few registers open at any time. That does not mean that I want you to bring your 1200 items and use the self-checkout. They are intended for those like me that ran in and purchased fewer than 12 items. While I wait on you to ring up the other 1150 of yours, I am forced to watch the kids try and climb out of the cart. If I turn my head I am face to face with clown nose ukelele man. In the meantime the friendly gentleman behind me has decided that I need a butt massage. With his cart.

7. If you ignore the above, then please pay attention to this. If you have no idea how to run your debit card, enter your pin number or work a register then please for the love of all that is holy go to a regular register with a cashier. This is painfully slow.

8. You are an employee. When someone needs your assistance at said self checkout, can you get to them quickly. When you finally do ring their order up and get it fixed, must you get in line behind them, and in front of those of us that have been waiting with ukelele man for 30 minutes. I see that you want a candy bar. Do like the rest of us and wait for the old lady with 1200 groceries to decide what the hell her pin number is.

Another great adventure inside what is the 'good' Walmart in my town. We won't even go into the bad one and what happens there.